sucky people feeling sucky things

sad because at one point, i really think i could've had it all.  i was good at volleyball and being pursued by colleges that could absolutely have pointed me in a good direction and i was a good person and i didn't make a decision.  indecision is a decision and i think it's the most painful one i've ever made.  i wish i could take that back and do things differently.  now i'm just so worried and so doubtful and so scared and it's seriously affecting my will to live and do and be altogether.  like i feel like there is so much out there and i really believe that once i get moving with life, i will love it.  there will be so much for me to do and strive for and achieve and become.  but lately, i've become so comfortable (which is ironic because i don't even like living like this.  it's just easy.) living this life and i almost don't ever want to change it ever.  i don't want to put myself out there or do hard things or leave my comfort zone or start the path to everything i've ever wanted.  which is stupid.  but true.  and really sad.

it's just a vicious cycle.  i feel down on myself and worried and scared, so i do nothing.  i prolong my state of indecision.  that, in turn, breeds lack of confidence as i realize that i need to do/want to do/should have done something and that makes me feel more down on myself and it's a spiral leading me NOWHERE.  it's sad and it's not okay and i want to be done with it.

and i'm scared.  i feel very small in a big world and i feel so afraid of making the wrong decision that i almost don't even want to move forward.  like i almost feel like i've already wasted the entirety of my life and that this is it.  this is all i'll ever have and ever look forward to and i've already dug my own grave.  and i DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS.  i want to have confidence in myself and in the Lord and to trust that He has a plan for me and to love Him and work hard and be my best self and let it all work itself out.  AND I AM SO SCARED.  But Lord, I believe.  Help Thou my unbelief. (please.)

i'm the weeniest.  but i'm really tired of living like this and really think it's about time i got my crap together.  please pray for me.  please be patient with me as I figure this out. (because i really think i might finally do that one of these days.)