howdy haaay

(get it?  hay?  like hey?  but for horses?  because howdy and farmers and cowboys? #lol)

i was brushing my teeth and a bristle came out while i was doing so.  it was like the universe was saying, "hey, this works, but it's not going to work forever.  eventually you're going to have to move on." but also about my whole life.  and i dunno, maybe it really was just an old toothbrush.  but i'm a firm believer inspiration can come from anywhere if we're open to it and that's okay with me.

today has been a good day.  not great (mostly because i'm not "great") but better.  improvement.  i really need to work on convincing myself that even small improvement is important because it's whey tooo easy to write the small victories off.  and hey.  big victories wouldn't even exist if those small victories didn't matter. so we celebrate.  (also, i got to talk to ian on the phone.  and our chat was probably like 5 minutes long and that was it because we both had duties and such later.  but it was so lovely and i'm so grateful for him.  he's one of the realest friends i have and i'm not sure that'll ever change.)

WHICH REMINDS ME.  i never wrote mitchell's life-changing advice down: "you'll only ever be as good as the person next to you.  unless you dance.  that's the secret to being a good person.  good people dance."  he's not always right but i really think he may be on to something.
fun fact: i am now listening to super angsty music from my past.  heels over head by girls like boys is the jam.  also, can we talk about how i'm getting my mojo back?  my twitter mojo.  my writing mojo.  my life mojo.  WHICH ALSO REMINDS ME.  i had a breakthrough today.  please pardon me because this realization deserves its own paragraph.

i was watching hitch (aka the most wonderful perfect hilarious movie ever because humor and reality and also love.  ah I LOVE LOVE) and getting way too emotionally involved and walked away probably too happy and more inspired than i should have been after watching a romcom.  but i was really happy, and it was because i felt like i'd gotten one of the missing pieces back.  something i've always loved about myself is my sense of wonder.  i'm a dreamer and there are so many beautiful experiences i hope to get out of the bittersweet adventure that is life, but lately i've really been questioning it all.  i've been questioning my worthiness and i've been questioning whether life actually gives anyone magic at all and i've almost been sure the magic i was always so hopeful about was gone.  it was a weird feeling and it took a toll on my confidence too.  but the great thing i realized today is this: it's still intact.  the thing that set me apart from other people is that i verbalized the dreams everyone has but are too afraid to say out loud.  and what's more, i truly believe it can happen.  i can have everything i dream of and it can be done and that's the most wonderful thing ever. BELIEF.  i feel like it's a really understated pillar of happiness and life and success.

also, today i remembered again how much work i have to do.  i am getting better, but success has two parts--it's both adding the good habits you need and subtracting the habits that aren't getting you where you want to be.  for me, this means things like reading my scriptures and having better sleeping pattern and being less attached to my phone and such.  lots to work on.  it's a process and sometimes it makes me sad.  but lots of times it also makes me happy, because the opportunity to try to be better is such a beautiful one.  it's real and raw and sometimes mildly terrifying but it's wonderful.  and i'm grateful for the chance.

(p.s. don't wait for chances.  take them.  cheesy advice for the day.)
i'm in love with love and i'm so excited for the day that i get to be in love with someone i ACTUALLY KNOW and my family rox and i really miss porter. (this has not relation to the beginning of this sentence) don't let it get to your head though kid.  i miss lots and lots and lots of people lately.  (including alex and brunson and kaylie and adam and grant and cameron and ben and lauren and cara and carli and even like gavin and stuff idk my feelings dude)
alright well i can't tell if my writing is getting better or just easier but either way, it's past my bedtime and i really need to do better tomorrow than i did today so i'm calling it a night.  but i'm very grateful for the life i live and for all the goodness all around me and i'm excited for what the Lord has in store.  grateful for the Atonement and for the chance I have to change my stars.  the church is true and the love is real.  the end.