sleepy sleepy

hey sunday.  today has been a good day.

church was quite lovely.  it usually is but there are still days that i drag my feet and feel less inclined to feel the spirit than i probably should. (as if there are ever times i couldn't use the spirit...ha) but today it just felt good.  and i felt good. (and hey, can't lie, i looked good too.)
and then i got to talk to mitchell on the phone and it was kind of the best thing ever.  for real.  that kid is just a homie and more than anything, random sunday chats are really just the happiest things



quiet lightning.
that's what you always used to say to me.  just "quiet lightning."  some days i'm a little sad that you never explained what you meant by that.  but in some small way i think i understand so i guess it all works out.

quiet lightning.  you can see it.  you notice it.  you feel it.  it draws your attention without so much as uttering a sound.  and even though it's silent and something you only ever notice in passing, its presence means something to you.  its power is immeasurable despite the fact that its assertion of power is not.  it invokes awe and it deserves it and that's enough.

i think you wanted me to be more like that.  to be that beautiful thing that is inherently acknowledged as beautiful without asking for it.  i think you wanted me to be more and do more and just become more than i have been.  and even though that was a heavy legacy to carry and i'm still not sure i did you justice, i'm really grateful for the time i had to listen to you.  you will always be the definition of admiration i carry with me.  i regret nothing.

i wish i could always say i regret nothing.  i look back on the last few months and weeks and days and years and can't help but feel a sense of bittersweetness.  i don't think that's even a word but even that tiny detail of it conveys the reality of my life.  i just...i dunno.  i have been so caught between things lately.  i want to serve a mission but i'm scared because i don't understand the details of how it's going to work out and i'm afraid of leaving the family i love and the life i know even though some days i feel like i'm cheating by living the way i live now.  i want to play volleyball and think it's a real possibility but i'm too scared to start the process that will get me to that point.  i want to do this and that and the other and i want to add color to this dreary world and i want to be happy and share smiles and laughter and awkward dance moves, and yet...i'm afraid of being heard.  it's really quiet the contradiction to want to share something but also to hope no one will ever pay attention to you ever.  i wonder when i became so content living on the outskirts of my own life.

and to be honest, i think that happens too frequently.  i feel like too many people have had that moment where they realize that they never lived the way they wanted to or felt they were capable of or had dreamed up because fear stopped them.  damn you, doubt.  you killed too many of us too young.  there was so much ahead of us.

it's funny because you've been gone gone gone for months now and i still wait for your name to light up my screen.  you put emotional distance between us before you were ever physically departed and yet, i wait.  i wonder if there will ever come a day that i finally give up on you.  i wonder if there will ever come a day when i stop asking "what if" and accept the fact that love will take shape in a face that isn't yours.  i wonder if i will ever be okay with that.  today, the answer is no.

whoops.  you just gave me butterflies and you don't even know i exist.  i hope someone knows how to explain this to my mother.
to be fair though, i don't know you exist yet either.  i don't think so anyway.  it's funny because i think about you a lot and sometimes paint the details in my head.  what you'll look like reading a book via lamplight at 1:26am.  the curve of your smile on a rainy day.  whether you'll like rain as much as i do.  whether you'll look good with facial hair or not (just calling this right now: i greatly suspect you will.).  the looks you'll give me when you see me crying during yet another superhero movie.  the songs you'll sing when i'm trying hard not to smile.  the quiet you'll leave when i'm trying hard not to cry.  i want to know what your fingers look like and how your hands feel and what color your eyes are and what your hair looks like by the beach and whether you like to run and the story of your childhood and the time you first realized your mom really loved you and the moment you first realized you really loved me and i want to hear your voice right before you fall asleep and i want to know what it's like when you say you love me and i just can't wait to see you.  i can't wait to know you.  i can't wait to love and be loved and to be with you.  and it's stupid because most days these thoughts feel static and stale and unchanging because that's all they are.  they're thoughts.  most days, you're a figment of my imagination.
but you won't always be.  i really believe that.  and in actuality, i know that.  you ARE out there, and even though there are many dreams to be fulfilled and moments to be captured, i can't help but feel like loving you will be the biggest adventure i undertake.  you will be my fastest swim, my favorite climb, the most important award i ever win.  and i am so, so, so so so lucky to have you.  thank you for existing.  thank you in advance for loving me.  i'll be seeing you soon.

- it's funny that the things i miss the most are the things i never consciously acknowledged when they were happening.  they were right, you know.  the little things really do make all the difference.
- love is the answer at least for most of the questions of my heart
- I'M STILL SCARED BUT I REALLY THINK THIS WHOLE LIFE THING MAY ACTUALLY WORK OUT