hi there. i decided that i'm going to start doing free writes like i used to when i was still a part of wacademy. they'll just be 5-10 minutes long and probably won't be anything special. literally the only rule is that i can't stop writing. howevaaa, i really think they'll be helpful because i'm starting to realize i was never good at writing just because i wanted to be or even because i was a good person or because i was trying to be better. i was good at writing because i wrote. and i can be good at writing again if i write. so i'm going to do that.
tonight was really sad. at first i was way super bummed because i felt like an emotionless blah and then i got way super sad because GOODBYES ARE ACTUALLY THE WORST EVER. oh my saying goodbye to the Ubedas was rough. i'd almost forgotten how much i love that family and how close we are and knowing they're really leaving was horrible. but it was also special to me to realize that there are still things that matter to me. i do still care about people, even if sometimes it takes a more dramatic event for me to remember that. (i hope i get better at remembering that.)
also--goodbyes are getting harder. and it's not just because they're getting more frequent or because the ones i'm saying are ones that actually matter to me (i'm looking at you, ubedas, natalie, alyssa, cassidy, blake, kaylie, porter, alex, brayden, etc). it's just that the ones i'm saying remind me of the big ones i'm going to have to say and it tears me up so much. like today when i was a small wreck when we were saying goodbye i couldn't help but think about the fact that i'm going to have to say goodbye to my own family really soon and it killed me. i have no idea how i'm going to deal with that. i feel like being the one leaving is a whole new ballgame and i'm afraid to see what new regrets i unlock when that happens. (because hey, let's be real--i already have an entire collection of regrets. trying to lessen those in the future.) but more than anything, i'm going to try really really hard to appreciate what i have while i have it, because that's the stuff that matters. the Lord just wants me to be better and i feel so confident that as i follow Him, the rest of it will fall into place. i can start being the person i want to be. i can find joy in the journey--even in the undesirable bits. i can love and serve and enjoy and do and be and pursue my passions and i really believe that in some way or another, life is going to work out. I'M GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT. and i really will be okay. but it just takes a little bit of faith and work in the meantime. what beautiful work though. so glorious.
(also unimportant but i'm really missing a lot of people tonight. i really miss porter and cameron and caleb and julia and volleyball and mike and ashley and aubrey and kelland and trevor and carli and mikeila and sonja and amanda and courtney and ward and my dear ian borman and jesse and eric reece and all the wonderful people i've had the privilege of knowing. i think a big part of me just misses the way things used to be in each of these eras because i'm not sure they'll ever be quite that again and it makes me sad. but friendship is a weaving together of lives and i wholeheartedly believe i was both blessed to and meant to know all these people i know, even if it was only meant to be for a short time. so yeah. lots of love. lots of gratitude tonight. lots to thing about and a long way to go. but also lots of happiness, because i'm finding myself again and it's a heart breaking, gut wrenching, painful, hard, BEAUTIFUL process. luv life. the end.)
(also i'm still in love with sydney carton. the end for real.)
God bless us, everyone.
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