being underestimated is one of my favorite things ever.
on the real though, it gives me so much room to succeed. it motivates me so much and gives me something to look forward to on the days when personal satisfaction just doesn't cut it.
so.
you're right. i'm not pretty. and i'm not fit. and i don't do my hair or dress well or any of that. but one day, i will. i'll have a nasty body and i will be confident and humble and charming and lovely and i'll wear cute sweaters and pants that make my butt look great and more than anything, i will shine with my own confidence and belief and beauty and it'll be enough for me and it'll be just overwhelming for you. maybe i'll never be pretty. but i will be beautiful. and i'll feel really bad for you that day.
i seem like i'm doing nothing. going nowhere. and on the real, there are days i agree with you. my life is so confusing and it breaks my heart and i'm so frustrated with the way i've been living and maybe you're right. maybe i can't have what i want. maybe i can't play volleyball in college and i'll never be good or gritty or brave or confident enough to play professionally and maybe i'm doomed to live a life like the life i have been living. but i don't think so. i think i can have damn well anything i'm willing to work for and i will do it all to show you it can be done. and then i will smile and blow you a kiss because don't forget, i'm charming now too.
i can do this. i will do this. i believe in myself, and i guess what i'm trying to tell you is that i don't need you to do that for me.
good day.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
sucky people feeling sucky things
sad because at one point, i really think i could've had it all. i was good at volleyball and being pursued by colleges that could absolutely have pointed me in a good direction and i was a good person and i didn't make a decision. indecision is a decision and i think it's the most painful one i've ever made. i wish i could take that back and do things differently. now i'm just so worried and so doubtful and so scared and it's seriously affecting my will to live and do and be altogether. like i feel like there is so much out there and i really believe that once i get moving with life, i will love it. there will be so much for me to do and strive for and achieve and become. but lately, i've become so comfortable (which is ironic because i don't even like living like this. it's just easy.) living this life and i almost don't ever want to change it ever. i don't want to put myself out there or do hard things or leave my comfort zone or start the path to everything i've ever wanted. which is stupid. but true. and really sad.
it's just a vicious cycle. i feel down on myself and worried and scared, so i do nothing. i prolong my state of indecision. that, in turn, breeds lack of confidence as i realize that i need to do/want to do/should have done something and that makes me feel more down on myself and it's a spiral leading me NOWHERE. it's sad and it's not okay and i want to be done with it.
and i'm scared. i feel very small in a big world and i feel so afraid of making the wrong decision that i almost don't even want to move forward. like i almost feel like i've already wasted the entirety of my life and that this is it. this is all i'll ever have and ever look forward to and i've already dug my own grave. and i DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS. i want to have confidence in myself and in the Lord and to trust that He has a plan for me and to love Him and work hard and be my best self and let it all work itself out. AND I AM SO SCARED. But Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief. (please.)
i'm the weeniest. but i'm really tired of living like this and really think it's about time i got my crap together. please pray for me. please be patient with me as I figure this out. (because i really think i might finally do that one of these days.)
it's just a vicious cycle. i feel down on myself and worried and scared, so i do nothing. i prolong my state of indecision. that, in turn, breeds lack of confidence as i realize that i need to do/want to do/should have done something and that makes me feel more down on myself and it's a spiral leading me NOWHERE. it's sad and it's not okay and i want to be done with it.
and i'm scared. i feel very small in a big world and i feel so afraid of making the wrong decision that i almost don't even want to move forward. like i almost feel like i've already wasted the entirety of my life and that this is it. this is all i'll ever have and ever look forward to and i've already dug my own grave. and i DO NOT WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS. i want to have confidence in myself and in the Lord and to trust that He has a plan for me and to love Him and work hard and be my best self and let it all work itself out. AND I AM SO SCARED. But Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief. (please.)
i'm the weeniest. but i'm really tired of living like this and really think it's about time i got my crap together. please pray for me. please be patient with me as I figure this out. (because i really think i might finally do that one of these days.)
Monday, September 8, 2014
howdy haaay
(get it? hay? like hey? but for horses? because howdy and farmers and cowboys? #lol)
i was brushing my teeth and a bristle came out while i was doing so. it was like the universe was saying, "hey, this works, but it's not going to work forever. eventually you're going to have to move on." but also about my whole life. and i dunno, maybe it really was just an old toothbrush. but i'm a firm believer inspiration can come from anywhere if we're open to it and that's okay with me.
today has been a good day. not great (mostly because i'm not "great") but better. improvement. i really need to work on convincing myself that even small improvement is important because it's whey tooo easy to write the small victories off. and hey. big victories wouldn't even exist if those small victories didn't matter. so we celebrate. (also, i got to talk to ian on the phone. and our chat was probably like 5 minutes long and that was it because we both had duties and such later. but it was so lovely and i'm so grateful for him. he's one of the realest friends i have and i'm not sure that'll ever change.)
WHICH REMINDS ME. i never wrote mitchell's life-changing advice down: "you'll only ever be as good as the person next to you. unless you dance. that's the secret to being a good person. good people dance." he's not always right but i really think he may be on to something.
fun fact: i am now listening to super angsty music from my past. heels over head by girls like boys is the jam. also, can we talk about how i'm getting my mojo back? my twitter mojo. my writing mojo. my life mojo. WHICH ALSO REMINDS ME. i had a breakthrough today. please pardon me because this realization deserves its own paragraph.
i was watching hitch (aka the most wonderful perfect hilarious movie ever because humor and reality and also love. ah I LOVE LOVE) and getting way too emotionally involved and walked away probably too happy and more inspired than i should have been after watching a romcom. but i was really happy, and it was because i felt like i'd gotten one of the missing pieces back. something i've always loved about myself is my sense of wonder. i'm a dreamer and there are so many beautiful experiences i hope to get out of the bittersweet adventure that is life, but lately i've really been questioning it all. i've been questioning my worthiness and i've been questioning whether life actually gives anyone magic at all and i've almost been sure the magic i was always so hopeful about was gone. it was a weird feeling and it took a toll on my confidence too. but the great thing i realized today is this: it's still intact. the thing that set me apart from other people is that i verbalized the dreams everyone has but are too afraid to say out loud. and what's more, i truly believe it can happen. i can have everything i dream of and it can be done and that's the most wonderful thing ever. BELIEF. i feel like it's a really understated pillar of happiness and life and success.
also, today i remembered again how much work i have to do. i am getting better, but success has two parts--it's both adding the good habits you need and subtracting the habits that aren't getting you where you want to be. for me, this means things like reading my scriptures and having better sleeping pattern and being less attached to my phone and such. lots to work on. it's a process and sometimes it makes me sad. but lots of times it also makes me happy, because the opportunity to try to be better is such a beautiful one. it's real and raw and sometimes mildly terrifying but it's wonderful. and i'm grateful for the chance.
(p.s. don't wait for chances. take them. cheesy advice for the day.)
i'm in love with love and i'm so excited for the day that i get to be in love with someone i ACTUALLY KNOW and my family rox and i really miss porter. (this has not relation to the beginning of this sentence) don't let it get to your head though kid. i miss lots and lots and lots of people lately. (including alex and brunson and kaylie and adam and grant and cameron and ben and lauren and cara and carli and even like gavin and stuff idk my feelings dude)
alright well i can't tell if my writing is getting better or just easier but either way, it's past my bedtime and i really need to do better tomorrow than i did today so i'm calling it a night. but i'm very grateful for the life i live and for all the goodness all around me and i'm excited for what the Lord has in store. grateful for the Atonement and for the chance I have to change my stars. the church is true and the love is real. the end.
i was brushing my teeth and a bristle came out while i was doing so. it was like the universe was saying, "hey, this works, but it's not going to work forever. eventually you're going to have to move on." but also about my whole life. and i dunno, maybe it really was just an old toothbrush. but i'm a firm believer inspiration can come from anywhere if we're open to it and that's okay with me.
today has been a good day. not great (mostly because i'm not "great") but better. improvement. i really need to work on convincing myself that even small improvement is important because it's whey tooo easy to write the small victories off. and hey. big victories wouldn't even exist if those small victories didn't matter. so we celebrate. (also, i got to talk to ian on the phone. and our chat was probably like 5 minutes long and that was it because we both had duties and such later. but it was so lovely and i'm so grateful for him. he's one of the realest friends i have and i'm not sure that'll ever change.)
WHICH REMINDS ME. i never wrote mitchell's life-changing advice down: "you'll only ever be as good as the person next to you. unless you dance. that's the secret to being a good person. good people dance." he's not always right but i really think he may be on to something.
fun fact: i am now listening to super angsty music from my past. heels over head by girls like boys is the jam. also, can we talk about how i'm getting my mojo back? my twitter mojo. my writing mojo. my life mojo. WHICH ALSO REMINDS ME. i had a breakthrough today. please pardon me because this realization deserves its own paragraph.
i was watching hitch (aka the most wonderful perfect hilarious movie ever because humor and reality and also love. ah I LOVE LOVE) and getting way too emotionally involved and walked away probably too happy and more inspired than i should have been after watching a romcom. but i was really happy, and it was because i felt like i'd gotten one of the missing pieces back. something i've always loved about myself is my sense of wonder. i'm a dreamer and there are so many beautiful experiences i hope to get out of the bittersweet adventure that is life, but lately i've really been questioning it all. i've been questioning my worthiness and i've been questioning whether life actually gives anyone magic at all and i've almost been sure the magic i was always so hopeful about was gone. it was a weird feeling and it took a toll on my confidence too. but the great thing i realized today is this: it's still intact. the thing that set me apart from other people is that i verbalized the dreams everyone has but are too afraid to say out loud. and what's more, i truly believe it can happen. i can have everything i dream of and it can be done and that's the most wonderful thing ever. BELIEF. i feel like it's a really understated pillar of happiness and life and success.
also, today i remembered again how much work i have to do. i am getting better, but success has two parts--it's both adding the good habits you need and subtracting the habits that aren't getting you where you want to be. for me, this means things like reading my scriptures and having better sleeping pattern and being less attached to my phone and such. lots to work on. it's a process and sometimes it makes me sad. but lots of times it also makes me happy, because the opportunity to try to be better is such a beautiful one. it's real and raw and sometimes mildly terrifying but it's wonderful. and i'm grateful for the chance.
(p.s. don't wait for chances. take them. cheesy advice for the day.)
i'm in love with love and i'm so excited for the day that i get to be in love with someone i ACTUALLY KNOW and my family rox and i really miss porter. (this has not relation to the beginning of this sentence) don't let it get to your head though kid. i miss lots and lots and lots of people lately. (including alex and brunson and kaylie and adam and grant and cameron and ben and lauren and cara and carli and even like gavin and stuff idk my feelings dude)
alright well i can't tell if my writing is getting better or just easier but either way, it's past my bedtime and i really need to do better tomorrow than i did today so i'm calling it a night. but i'm very grateful for the life i live and for all the goodness all around me and i'm excited for what the Lord has in store. grateful for the Atonement and for the chance I have to change my stars. the church is true and the love is real. the end.
sleepy sleepy
hey sunday. today has been a good day.
church was quite lovely. it usually is but there are still days that i drag my feet and feel less inclined to feel the spirit than i probably should. (as if there are ever times i couldn't use the spirit...ha) but today it just felt good. and i felt good. (and hey, can't lie, i looked good too.)
and then i got to talk to mitchell on the phone and it was kind of the best thing ever. for real. that kid is just a homie and more than anything, random sunday chats are really just the happiest things
quiet lightning.
that's what you always used to say to me. just "quiet lightning." some days i'm a little sad that you never explained what you meant by that. but in some small way i think i understand so i guess it all works out.
quiet lightning. you can see it. you notice it. you feel it. it draws your attention without so much as uttering a sound. and even though it's silent and something you only ever notice in passing, its presence means something to you. its power is immeasurable despite the fact that its assertion of power is not. it invokes awe and it deserves it and that's enough.
i think you wanted me to be more like that. to be that beautiful thing that is inherently acknowledged as beautiful without asking for it. i think you wanted me to be more and do more and just become more than i have been. and even though that was a heavy legacy to carry and i'm still not sure i did you justice, i'm really grateful for the time i had to listen to you. you will always be the definition of admiration i carry with me. i regret nothing.
i wish i could always say i regret nothing. i look back on the last few months and weeks and days and years and can't help but feel a sense of bittersweetness. i don't think that's even a word but even that tiny detail of it conveys the reality of my life. i just...i dunno. i have been so caught between things lately. i want to serve a mission but i'm scared because i don't understand the details of how it's going to work out and i'm afraid of leaving the family i love and the life i know even though some days i feel like i'm cheating by living the way i live now. i want to play volleyball and think it's a real possibility but i'm too scared to start the process that will get me to that point. i want to do this and that and the other and i want to add color to this dreary world and i want to be happy and share smiles and laughter and awkward dance moves, and yet...i'm afraid of being heard. it's really quiet the contradiction to want to share something but also to hope no one will ever pay attention to you ever. i wonder when i became so content living on the outskirts of my own life.
and to be honest, i think that happens too frequently. i feel like too many people have had that moment where they realize that they never lived the way they wanted to or felt they were capable of or had dreamed up because fear stopped them. damn you, doubt. you killed too many of us too young. there was so much ahead of us.
it's funny because you've been gone gone gone for months now and i still wait for your name to light up my screen. you put emotional distance between us before you were ever physically departed and yet, i wait. i wonder if there will ever come a day that i finally give up on you. i wonder if there will ever come a day when i stop asking "what if" and accept the fact that love will take shape in a face that isn't yours. i wonder if i will ever be okay with that. today, the answer is no.
whoops. you just gave me butterflies and you don't even know i exist. i hope someone knows how to explain this to my mother.
to be fair though, i don't know you exist yet either. i don't think so anyway. it's funny because i think about you a lot and sometimes paint the details in my head. what you'll look like reading a book via lamplight at 1:26am. the curve of your smile on a rainy day. whether you'll like rain as much as i do. whether you'll look good with facial hair or not (just calling this right now: i greatly suspect you will.). the looks you'll give me when you see me crying during yet another superhero movie. the songs you'll sing when i'm trying hard not to smile. the quiet you'll leave when i'm trying hard not to cry. i want to know what your fingers look like and how your hands feel and what color your eyes are and what your hair looks like by the beach and whether you like to run and the story of your childhood and the time you first realized your mom really loved you and the moment you first realized you really loved me and i want to hear your voice right before you fall asleep and i want to know what it's like when you say you love me and i just can't wait to see you. i can't wait to know you. i can't wait to love and be loved and to be with you. and it's stupid because most days these thoughts feel static and stale and unchanging because that's all they are. they're thoughts. most days, you're a figment of my imagination.
but you won't always be. i really believe that. and in actuality, i know that. you ARE out there, and even though there are many dreams to be fulfilled and moments to be captured, i can't help but feel like loving you will be the biggest adventure i undertake. you will be my fastest swim, my favorite climb, the most important award i ever win. and i am so, so, so so so lucky to have you. thank you for existing. thank you in advance for loving me. i'll be seeing you soon.
- it's funny that the things i miss the most are the things i never consciously acknowledged when they were happening. they were right, you know. the little things really do make all the difference.
- love is the answer at least for most of the questions of my heart
- I'M STILL SCARED BUT I REALLY THINK THIS WHOLE LIFE THING MAY ACTUALLY WORK OUT
church was quite lovely. it usually is but there are still days that i drag my feet and feel less inclined to feel the spirit than i probably should. (as if there are ever times i couldn't use the spirit...ha) but today it just felt good. and i felt good. (and hey, can't lie, i looked good too.)
and then i got to talk to mitchell on the phone and it was kind of the best thing ever. for real. that kid is just a homie and more than anything, random sunday chats are really just the happiest things
quiet lightning.
that's what you always used to say to me. just "quiet lightning." some days i'm a little sad that you never explained what you meant by that. but in some small way i think i understand so i guess it all works out.
quiet lightning. you can see it. you notice it. you feel it. it draws your attention without so much as uttering a sound. and even though it's silent and something you only ever notice in passing, its presence means something to you. its power is immeasurable despite the fact that its assertion of power is not. it invokes awe and it deserves it and that's enough.
i think you wanted me to be more like that. to be that beautiful thing that is inherently acknowledged as beautiful without asking for it. i think you wanted me to be more and do more and just become more than i have been. and even though that was a heavy legacy to carry and i'm still not sure i did you justice, i'm really grateful for the time i had to listen to you. you will always be the definition of admiration i carry with me. i regret nothing.
i wish i could always say i regret nothing. i look back on the last few months and weeks and days and years and can't help but feel a sense of bittersweetness. i don't think that's even a word but even that tiny detail of it conveys the reality of my life. i just...i dunno. i have been so caught between things lately. i want to serve a mission but i'm scared because i don't understand the details of how it's going to work out and i'm afraid of leaving the family i love and the life i know even though some days i feel like i'm cheating by living the way i live now. i want to play volleyball and think it's a real possibility but i'm too scared to start the process that will get me to that point. i want to do this and that and the other and i want to add color to this dreary world and i want to be happy and share smiles and laughter and awkward dance moves, and yet...i'm afraid of being heard. it's really quiet the contradiction to want to share something but also to hope no one will ever pay attention to you ever. i wonder when i became so content living on the outskirts of my own life.
and to be honest, i think that happens too frequently. i feel like too many people have had that moment where they realize that they never lived the way they wanted to or felt they were capable of or had dreamed up because fear stopped them. damn you, doubt. you killed too many of us too young. there was so much ahead of us.
it's funny because you've been gone gone gone for months now and i still wait for your name to light up my screen. you put emotional distance between us before you were ever physically departed and yet, i wait. i wonder if there will ever come a day that i finally give up on you. i wonder if there will ever come a day when i stop asking "what if" and accept the fact that love will take shape in a face that isn't yours. i wonder if i will ever be okay with that. today, the answer is no.
whoops. you just gave me butterflies and you don't even know i exist. i hope someone knows how to explain this to my mother.
to be fair though, i don't know you exist yet either. i don't think so anyway. it's funny because i think about you a lot and sometimes paint the details in my head. what you'll look like reading a book via lamplight at 1:26am. the curve of your smile on a rainy day. whether you'll like rain as much as i do. whether you'll look good with facial hair or not (just calling this right now: i greatly suspect you will.). the looks you'll give me when you see me crying during yet another superhero movie. the songs you'll sing when i'm trying hard not to smile. the quiet you'll leave when i'm trying hard not to cry. i want to know what your fingers look like and how your hands feel and what color your eyes are and what your hair looks like by the beach and whether you like to run and the story of your childhood and the time you first realized your mom really loved you and the moment you first realized you really loved me and i want to hear your voice right before you fall asleep and i want to know what it's like when you say you love me and i just can't wait to see you. i can't wait to know you. i can't wait to love and be loved and to be with you. and it's stupid because most days these thoughts feel static and stale and unchanging because that's all they are. they're thoughts. most days, you're a figment of my imagination.
but you won't always be. i really believe that. and in actuality, i know that. you ARE out there, and even though there are many dreams to be fulfilled and moments to be captured, i can't help but feel like loving you will be the biggest adventure i undertake. you will be my fastest swim, my favorite climb, the most important award i ever win. and i am so, so, so so so lucky to have you. thank you for existing. thank you in advance for loving me. i'll be seeing you soon.
- it's funny that the things i miss the most are the things i never consciously acknowledged when they were happening. they were right, you know. the little things really do make all the difference.
- love is the answer at least for most of the questions of my heart
- I'M STILL SCARED BUT I REALLY THINK THIS WHOLE LIFE THING MAY ACTUALLY WORK OUT
Saturday, September 6, 2014
i like starting over
hi there. i decided that i'm going to start doing free writes like i used to when i was still a part of wacademy. they'll just be 5-10 minutes long and probably won't be anything special. literally the only rule is that i can't stop writing. howevaaa, i really think they'll be helpful because i'm starting to realize i was never good at writing just because i wanted to be or even because i was a good person or because i was trying to be better. i was good at writing because i wrote. and i can be good at writing again if i write. so i'm going to do that.
tonight was really sad. at first i was way super bummed because i felt like an emotionless blah and then i got way super sad because GOODBYES ARE ACTUALLY THE WORST EVER. oh my saying goodbye to the Ubedas was rough. i'd almost forgotten how much i love that family and how close we are and knowing they're really leaving was horrible. but it was also special to me to realize that there are still things that matter to me. i do still care about people, even if sometimes it takes a more dramatic event for me to remember that. (i hope i get better at remembering that.)
also--goodbyes are getting harder. and it's not just because they're getting more frequent or because the ones i'm saying are ones that actually matter to me (i'm looking at you, ubedas, natalie, alyssa, cassidy, blake, kaylie, porter, alex, brayden, etc). it's just that the ones i'm saying remind me of the big ones i'm going to have to say and it tears me up so much. like today when i was a small wreck when we were saying goodbye i couldn't help but think about the fact that i'm going to have to say goodbye to my own family really soon and it killed me. i have no idea how i'm going to deal with that. i feel like being the one leaving is a whole new ballgame and i'm afraid to see what new regrets i unlock when that happens. (because hey, let's be real--i already have an entire collection of regrets. trying to lessen those in the future.) but more than anything, i'm going to try really really hard to appreciate what i have while i have it, because that's the stuff that matters. the Lord just wants me to be better and i feel so confident that as i follow Him, the rest of it will fall into place. i can start being the person i want to be. i can find joy in the journey--even in the undesirable bits. i can love and serve and enjoy and do and be and pursue my passions and i really believe that in some way or another, life is going to work out. I'M GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT. and i really will be okay. but it just takes a little bit of faith and work in the meantime. what beautiful work though. so glorious.
(also unimportant but i'm really missing a lot of people tonight. i really miss porter and cameron and caleb and julia and volleyball and mike and ashley and aubrey and kelland and trevor and carli and mikeila and sonja and amanda and courtney and ward and my dear ian borman and jesse and eric reece and all the wonderful people i've had the privilege of knowing. i think a big part of me just misses the way things used to be in each of these eras because i'm not sure they'll ever be quite that again and it makes me sad. but friendship is a weaving together of lives and i wholeheartedly believe i was both blessed to and meant to know all these people i know, even if it was only meant to be for a short time. so yeah. lots of love. lots of gratitude tonight. lots to thing about and a long way to go. but also lots of happiness, because i'm finding myself again and it's a heart breaking, gut wrenching, painful, hard, BEAUTIFUL process. luv life. the end.)
(also i'm still in love with sydney carton. the end for real.)
God bless us, everyone.
tonight was really sad. at first i was way super bummed because i felt like an emotionless blah and then i got way super sad because GOODBYES ARE ACTUALLY THE WORST EVER. oh my saying goodbye to the Ubedas was rough. i'd almost forgotten how much i love that family and how close we are and knowing they're really leaving was horrible. but it was also special to me to realize that there are still things that matter to me. i do still care about people, even if sometimes it takes a more dramatic event for me to remember that. (i hope i get better at remembering that.)
also--goodbyes are getting harder. and it's not just because they're getting more frequent or because the ones i'm saying are ones that actually matter to me (i'm looking at you, ubedas, natalie, alyssa, cassidy, blake, kaylie, porter, alex, brayden, etc). it's just that the ones i'm saying remind me of the big ones i'm going to have to say and it tears me up so much. like today when i was a small wreck when we were saying goodbye i couldn't help but think about the fact that i'm going to have to say goodbye to my own family really soon and it killed me. i have no idea how i'm going to deal with that. i feel like being the one leaving is a whole new ballgame and i'm afraid to see what new regrets i unlock when that happens. (because hey, let's be real--i already have an entire collection of regrets. trying to lessen those in the future.) but more than anything, i'm going to try really really hard to appreciate what i have while i have it, because that's the stuff that matters. the Lord just wants me to be better and i feel so confident that as i follow Him, the rest of it will fall into place. i can start being the person i want to be. i can find joy in the journey--even in the undesirable bits. i can love and serve and enjoy and do and be and pursue my passions and i really believe that in some way or another, life is going to work out. I'M GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT. and i really will be okay. but it just takes a little bit of faith and work in the meantime. what beautiful work though. so glorious.
(also unimportant but i'm really missing a lot of people tonight. i really miss porter and cameron and caleb and julia and volleyball and mike and ashley and aubrey and kelland and trevor and carli and mikeila and sonja and amanda and courtney and ward and my dear ian borman and jesse and eric reece and all the wonderful people i've had the privilege of knowing. i think a big part of me just misses the way things used to be in each of these eras because i'm not sure they'll ever be quite that again and it makes me sad. but friendship is a weaving together of lives and i wholeheartedly believe i was both blessed to and meant to know all these people i know, even if it was only meant to be for a short time. so yeah. lots of love. lots of gratitude tonight. lots to thing about and a long way to go. but also lots of happiness, because i'm finding myself again and it's a heart breaking, gut wrenching, painful, hard, BEAUTIFUL process. luv life. the end.)
(also i'm still in love with sydney carton. the end for real.)
God bless us, everyone.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
thoughts on wholeness
you must not try to be funny. you must not try to be original. you must not try to be clever or charming or cool. you must not try to be serving and respected and wonderful and alive and thinking and wholehearted and vulnerable and in love and lovable and confident and bold and brave and intelligent and hard-working and successful or any of it. you must never single out one trait and only try to develop that.
you must try to be good.
you must be whole or you will be none of it. and i think it's a pretty worthy trade.
you must try to be good.
you must be whole or you will be none of it. and i think it's a pretty worthy trade.
a poorly written post that almost completely reflects how i feel about everything
i like writing because what's written can always be edited. as long as i put something on the page, it can be fixed. words may not ever be able to truly convey everything i feel but the words on the page can at least be arranged and tempered and molded into something close enough to what i want to share. it's possible to heard and felt and honest. it's nice to be in control and able to delete and undo and paste and rewrite. being able to manipulate what i start with into what i want it to be is satisfying. and it works. and i like that.
life is not like writing.
lately, i've just wanted to burn my life to the ground. to take everything i've worked on and failed at and neglected and ruined up to this point and start over. i wish i had an eraser big enough, whiteout strong enough, a canvas large enough a backspace button encompassing enough a wish real enough to take this last year and everything i've let slip and erase it from the page. i want to blot it out and start the year again fresh. and if i can't do that, i want to burn the thing in its entirety. i've been begging the universe to give me a second chance and i don't think it's listening but that doesn't make me any less hopeful that in some year, in some dimension, in some way i will finally find a way to move on from the mess i've made with grace and hope and and confidence and goodness and love. right now that means burning it to the ground. (i have a secret hope, though, that maybe it won't always.)
i guess my problem is this: i always assumed i would be great. i was a good kid, i was a bright kid, i was a hard-working kid, i was a happy kid, i was a talented kid and i really just thought greatness was my destiny. and who knows, maybe it was. maybe it still could be. but the fact was that if i really was ever going to be great--if that was EVER even briefly a part of the plan for my life--it was because i was good. i've been blessed a lot and i still think there's a lot in place for me to be a successful human if i ever get it together. but none of that matters because greatness is not merely dependent on what we can do and what we can offer. it all starts with who we are. and i forgot about that. i was so sure i would be great, so sure my destiny was already locked down that i forgot to be good. i stopped doing the things that would ever even have maybe lead me to greatness. and those little things that were so easy to write off in the name of the "greatness" i was pursuing made all the difference.
so here we are. a year later, i don't know what i'm doing. i'm still trying to figure out who i am. and i feel like i've fallen so far and made so many mistakes that there's no way for me to live the life i hoped to live anymore. on a good day, i feel like a sub-par human being and it makes me so sad and embarrassed and ashamed and guilty and afraid that i just want to burn it down. i want to run away and not have to come to terms with the mess that i've created. it's easy. looking at it and trying to figure out how to make it work and how to fix this is hard and i have never wanted to give up and be a quitter more in my life.
but. i am going to try.
and i guess that's what this is for. new beginnings. i'm trying to forgive myself. trying to get back to where i started. trying to relearn all these things and hopefully pick up a few new things along the way. trying again to become a person that lives and loves and does and is. trying again to focus on just being a good person and letting the world decide whether i'm "great" or not. and it's hard and humbling and most days i just want to fight it and act like i don't care and just keep living the way i have been. but it's me. this actually is my story. and flawless and pure and perfect or not (hint: it's the latter), it's mine. it's me. it's the journey. and it's beautiful.
grateful. love and gentleness and peace and honesty and forgiveness and healing are much more powerful than i ever gave them credit for and life is beautiful even when it's not.
the end.
life is not like writing.
lately, i've just wanted to burn my life to the ground. to take everything i've worked on and failed at and neglected and ruined up to this point and start over. i wish i had an eraser big enough, whiteout strong enough, a canvas large enough a backspace button encompassing enough a wish real enough to take this last year and everything i've let slip and erase it from the page. i want to blot it out and start the year again fresh. and if i can't do that, i want to burn the thing in its entirety. i've been begging the universe to give me a second chance and i don't think it's listening but that doesn't make me any less hopeful that in some year, in some dimension, in some way i will finally find a way to move on from the mess i've made with grace and hope and and confidence and goodness and love. right now that means burning it to the ground. (i have a secret hope, though, that maybe it won't always.)
i guess my problem is this: i always assumed i would be great. i was a good kid, i was a bright kid, i was a hard-working kid, i was a happy kid, i was a talented kid and i really just thought greatness was my destiny. and who knows, maybe it was. maybe it still could be. but the fact was that if i really was ever going to be great--if that was EVER even briefly a part of the plan for my life--it was because i was good. i've been blessed a lot and i still think there's a lot in place for me to be a successful human if i ever get it together. but none of that matters because greatness is not merely dependent on what we can do and what we can offer. it all starts with who we are. and i forgot about that. i was so sure i would be great, so sure my destiny was already locked down that i forgot to be good. i stopped doing the things that would ever even have maybe lead me to greatness. and those little things that were so easy to write off in the name of the "greatness" i was pursuing made all the difference.
so here we are. a year later, i don't know what i'm doing. i'm still trying to figure out who i am. and i feel like i've fallen so far and made so many mistakes that there's no way for me to live the life i hoped to live anymore. on a good day, i feel like a sub-par human being and it makes me so sad and embarrassed and ashamed and guilty and afraid that i just want to burn it down. i want to run away and not have to come to terms with the mess that i've created. it's easy. looking at it and trying to figure out how to make it work and how to fix this is hard and i have never wanted to give up and be a quitter more in my life.
but. i am going to try.
and i guess that's what this is for. new beginnings. i'm trying to forgive myself. trying to get back to where i started. trying to relearn all these things and hopefully pick up a few new things along the way. trying again to become a person that lives and loves and does and is. trying again to focus on just being a good person and letting the world decide whether i'm "great" or not. and it's hard and humbling and most days i just want to fight it and act like i don't care and just keep living the way i have been. but it's me. this actually is my story. and flawless and pure and perfect or not (hint: it's the latter), it's mine. it's me. it's the journey. and it's beautiful.
grateful. love and gentleness and peace and honesty and forgiveness and healing are much more powerful than i ever gave them credit for and life is beautiful even when it's not.
the end.
Friday, August 29, 2014
regarding introductions
chaim potok once said, "all beginnings are hard." sometimes i wonder what was on his mind when he said that.
he could have been thinking about drake's freshman album or the gangly boy starting high school this week. part of me wants to think he was shouting out the visionaries or the first person that started writing entirely in lowercase letters, but it might have just been a reference to the development of flappy bird.
maybe he was thinking about the 90s and what cristiano ronaldo looked like before the money and justin timberlake's ramen hair. he could've been paying homage to the girl who will smoke her first cigarette today and the woman who is going out for the first time since the breakup and the single parent trying to start anew.
it could be that he was referencing the struggling writer putting it on the page. lifting the pen again and again, despite the fact that the marks he is making in no way convey the full weight of the feelings in his heart. for all i know, he could be talking about the brainstorming that went into finding the name uranus. (nearly 100 years went into naming that planet. i guess beginnings aren't the only things we struggle with here.)
in reality, it could be any number of things. we'll probably never know for sure.
but i think he was talking about me. because never before have i met an individual so simultaneously desperately needing to and entirely terrified to begin again. and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and agai
let's start over.
my name is anela.
i might be the grumpiest person i know. i'm a happy human with the tendencies of a curmudgeon and i'll probably only live to be 36 because when you're 18 and don't know what you're doing, every day feels like a midlife crisis. i admire honesty above almost everything which is rich because i do everything i can to avoid telling the truth--a quality that doesn't just apply to my interactions with other people. i am vibrant and violent and terrified and invigorated and passionate and lazy and hopeful and doubtful and lame and wonderful and confused and i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be. (hi stephen chbosky.) i don't know what i'm doing and i'm not sure i have anything to offer anyone and i hate talking about myself and i am a filthy liar.
but i am alive. i am living. and i'm here to tell you just how those events are unfolding. i'm doing this because there's a part of me that needs to be heard.
maybe somewhere along the way, i'll also turn into something worth listening to.
n
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